Im still lying in my bed, when I woke up this morning .I was just trying to think about a reason for getting up. But why would I get up, theres nothing to eat, nothing I can do at day, except for lying in my bed and just try to be as quiet as I can. Im feeling terrible and sad in a world that I cannot fathom. I just cant believe why this is all happening to me.
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Trying to get myself together I decided to walk very quietly to the place where we can get water. As quiet as I can, I tried to fill my glass. Sometimes Im just feeling like my life isnt making any change to this world, feeling like Im worthless, nobody else than someone I cant be and I dont want to be. Feelings I cant handle and never share with anyone. Feelings that are carved in my life, nothing I can change about it.
Drinking my glass of water, I realise what this has all done to me. This war took away my life, my freedom and everything I liked about it. It just took away the things I loved the most about this world. Getting crazy of this situation, Im asking myself, if I will ever get my life back again.
Diary entry two
I just woke up by sounds of war, from the shooting outside, which wont stop before war ended. I stand up and walked to the little window. Looking through it, I can see the space with all stars and the moon in it. The things that will never change, just created by nature and which will always be there for me when Im feeling upset.
Trying to dont cry, I dropped a tear. Locked in my body and in this room, thinking about the time, everything was going ok. When my mother made breakfast in the morning and freedom was something, which was usual. When I was used to play outside, to shout out everything I want at every moment of the day.
Diary entry three
A new day began, its Monday and today we got some food. After a long time, we had something to eat and that was really a party. My mom made dinner this evening and we played some cards. It was really great and Im feeling a little bit better now.
Dreaming about everything that could have been happened, if there wasnt a war. Writing down everything I feel, because paper is the only thing that can always listen to what I feel. Im feeling that this war let me feel that I have a very deep wound. Just a little that I still feel, because most of my feelings are just gone, because Ive turned them off and I dont want to feel them anymore.
Im still hoping that there will come one day that I can be free again.
Diary entry four
Its midnight, I just woke up out of a nightmare. Asking myself for a way out of all this trouble, but Im afraid I cant get out of this. Im showing a smile to my mother and that few relatives that are still with me, but behind that smile hides something that isnt visible. Depressive feelings, which Im not showing to anyone. I dont want to show them. I just want to believe everythings allright, but is that possible in a situation that is horrible?
Maybe I should get some hope for a good future, for a good life. I can try, but Im not sure of my feelings. Inside I will still feel sad, because I know that thats just being unrealistic. I dont really know what to do. Lets hope that on one day, everything will be well.
Diary entry five
Before I went to sleep, I realised me something. Sometimes Im confused. This world judges usually tough as nails. Feelings that Im feeling,I never share them with anyone. Maybe because it isnt possible, but also because its not just something. Sometimes when I write this all down in my diary, I see that sharing is something very fine. When I think about all this trouble if feel I have a very deep wound in a world that I cannot fathom. Maybe its just better to believe in a future, because when I think about that, for some moments my life will be well.
Im afraid that Im getting insane from all the things that are bullying me. All this stupid things that take away my future and life in a world that nobody can really understand. Maybe its just better to give up, just because I cant handle my feelings anymore.
Diary entry 6
A new day, still trying to keep my head up. This world , where everythings lost and so many people are lonely day after day. Because of war, because of things that are horrible. All these things, that are taking away that many lives. Im just walking circles in a corner and feeling like Im made of stone. At a place where walls dont even listen. Pretty things of a long time ago are written in my soul. No more roads to go, Im just standing in the shadows of darkness.
My tears are falling on what used to be, just trying to keep believing into myself, into this world and asking myself if there are excuses for such as trouble thats all happening to me. Im still hoping for a way out of this hell, in a world where you just have to run straight through hell.
Diary entry 7
It was Christmas eve tonight. I got some presents and after a long time we made some fun with my family. I got some new pencils and pens to write with and a new notebook. We had a nice dinner tonight with nice cooked chicken and a delicious dessert with strawberries. I love them really much.
But now I think its time to have a sleep. Its already late and my eyes will close every moment. Well, I also got a new pillow , which is really soft, just as soft like fears, but for now I have to say good bye to my diary.
Diary entry 8
Last night, when Christmas was over. Our city was being bombed by airplanes. There were rough sounds and I heard that a lot of people were screaming all around. I became really afraid of last night. Since it happened, I cant really stop crying and feeling sad anymore. I wish that this trouble was all over, because all of this is hurting me so much.
This morning my father left home without a real reason. Im still asking myself why. My mom isnt very relaxed neither, so I dont really know what I have to think about it. This war is really making a mess of our lifes and it seems that there will never come an end on this war.
Diary entry 9
While walls are closing in, Im asking myself so much things again. Will miracles ever happen, will I ever get free and be happy again or am I being in the eye of a hurricane where I cant really find myself back, nobody will know an answer on that question. Im hoping that this war will grow tired and will stop, because its hurting me, everyday more and more. But will this war stop? I dont know.
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Im in this life to make it right for what its worth, but how will I ever do that? How can I ever do that? I am not even sure if I can trust myself. Im sure one day it will be right. If thats too late or not, I dont know again, I cant really care about anymore. I will burn out of my strength just by doing that. I really, really hope, that on one day, I will be free. So I can be, who Im used to be.
Diary entry 10
Honest where I start from this morning, was just a strange combination of truth and fear. My father woke me up this night. The only few words that he said: “If I dont come back, I will be waiting for you on the other side.†Also when Im afraid, maybe my memory will safe me from lying awake, just to dont let me think whole the time of this trouble with a “no tomorrow echo†in my mind. Im trying to keep my head up, but at some moments, Im still feeling that Ive a very deep wound. Im feeling that I will get atrophied of this problems.
I got really scared. This world is just playing with my feelings in a war about some land and power. Maybe I can better stop with my life. In a world, where freedom is hardly been seen. Im just getting depressed of this situation and theres no way that I will ever turn this around, because my strengths faded away during this war and my strength isnt strong enough anymore to keep myself going, to keep me believe in a world, where everything is possible in. Where the biggest change will happen, just to give me a life again, just to make sure I will ever be happy again. But Im afraid that something like that wont really ever happen.
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